lunch in 17 steps

1. I fixed my kid a Kid Cuisine lunch thing despite the salt and preservatives and grossness factor and blah blah blah. And no I didn't feel guilty about it.

OK, maybe a little...

2. I scraped the chocolate pudding out into a bowl because he naturally wanted to eat that/paint himself with it before eating the chicken nuggets, mac 'n' cheese, and corn (all of which happened to be the same color, by the way).

Nope, no guilt here.

3. I went on a mad hunt searching the cabinets for food for myself, having exhausted my own processed, over-salted, and flash-frozen food supply and finally settled on a grilled cheese.

4. I noticed that my child had eaten all of his macaroni 'n' cheese, two bites of his chicken nuggets, and none of his corn.

Me: "Is your chicken good, buddy?"

Kiddo: "No."

Me: "Do you want something else? Do you want a grilled cheese?"

Kiddo: "No. Unh?" (Interpretation: "No. I'm finished. I don't want a grilled cheese. Hand me that pudding.")

5. I continued to not feel guilty as he ate his pudding with star sprinkles.

6. I made myself a grilled cheese and stood in awe of the evenness of it's perfectly grilled golden goodness.

7. I got some pickles and some ketchup and a Diet Dr. Pepper, my vice for which I might need some professional intervention, and I sat down with my Gooseberry Patch catalog to eat and peruse.

8. Kiddo: [pointing to my plate] "Unnnhhh?"

Me: Do you want a grilled cheese?

Kiddo: Uh-huh!

9. I give him my grilled cheese and get up to make myself another one.

10. Kiddo: Bob, Larry? (Interpretation: "I want to watch Veggietales."

Me: "You've only taken one bite of your grilled cheese. Don't you want some more?"

Kiddo: "No."

Me: "If I turn on a movie in your room, will you take your grilled cheese and eat it in there?"

Kiddo: "No."

Me: "If I turn on a movie in the living room, will you take your grilled cheese and it in there?"

Kiddo: "No."

11. I grab the kiddo to rinse his hands in the sink, let him dry his hands with a paper towel, and send him on his way.

12. I go to turn my grilled cheese. Totally charred on the first side. Oh well, I'll eat it anyway.

13. The kiddo grabs my hand and starts grunting and pulling me away from the stove.

Me: "Not right now, I'm going to eat my lunch."

Kiddo: [whining, weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth, etc.; no tears]

14. I go to get my grilled cheese, which is not done enough to be removed from the skillet and therefore folds up under itself.

Totally charred on one side, folded under itself on the other. I'll eat it anyway.

15. I sit down to eat as the kiddo continues his prolonged agony beside me and tries to climb into my chair.

Me: "No... if you want to sit down, you sit in your chair and eat your grilled cheese."

Kiddo: [continued drama as he climbs into his chair]

16. I eat my retarded grilled cheese as the kiddo eats some of his corn (with his fingers), the rest of his pudding (fingers and spoon), and some ketchup (spoon only).

17. The end.