31 December 2009

not for the faint of heart

1 January 2010.


An unmarked holiday on most calendars, but which is emblazoned on mine (at least mentally) each and every year it seems.


Here I am at the jumping off place. Looking down the barrel of an intensely loaded list of resolutions that has been growing exponentially with each passing day for the past couple of weeks...

Start a running program
Eat better
Take vitamins
Organize my house
Read my Bible
Pray more
Drink more water
Plan a budget
Keep a budget
Plan meals
Go to the grocery once a week

Every day it's something new that I didn't think of yesterday. Something I want to change and better about myself. Something that I want to stop hating about myself. Something that I know I can do but I'm not sure if I can do.

I know I'm taking a blog break, and I hate to be such a Debbie Downer in this once-in-a-blue-moon post, but today has been a hard day.

A day that started like every other day has for the past couple of weeks. With the Kiddo waking up at 0830 and beginning his reign of terror. And ending with a New Year's Eve party of sorts at my in-laws' house to which I wore very little makeup and where everyone was happy but me.

At the end of this long, sad day, it's hard for me to see anything but tears and spankings and time-outs and quiet times and harsh words and loud voices and a very frazzled mama.

And the only consolation I could find as I sat, crying, at his bedside while he slept is that he won't remember that I didn't used to be like this. And what a double-edged sword that is. He won't remember that so much changed so very quickly and I became this exhausted, impatient person that I am now. No, he won't remember... but I will.

And so, really... if the running plan falls through and I keep eating garbage and not drinking water. If I forget forever to take my vitamins and I run out of money every month due to my lack of planning. If I never ever fit into that stupid blue dress in my closet again. If my house still lies in shambles at this time next year...

What I really want out of 2010 is fewer nights where I lay in my bed wondering if I'm good enough. If the punishment was too severe. If it was really so important that he stop banging on that pan. If it really mattered if he climbed up in a chair to look at the pictures on the refrigerator.

If he knows how much his mama loves him.

What I really want out of 2010 is to live joyfully and light up my children's lives with happiness. I don't want to be angry and impatient. I don't want to yell and scream. I don't want to feel like I'm going to pull my hair out. I don't want to be so wasted and worn out by the end of the day that I can't stand the sight of my kids.

I just want to be better.

I want tomorrow to be a better day than today.

And every day after that to follow suit.